The life a lowly waitress/waitressing 101 for dummies

 I have just finished my monthly dose of waitressing for the year and it dawned on me to compile a sort of “waitress's guide to the galaxy” for anyone who wishes to pursue this riveting job of clearing dirty plates, giving fake smiles to unpleasant customers and standing on your feet for 12 to 15 hours a day. Wow, I make it sound like torture and yes on certain days it can feel like the most arduous and awful job in the world but there’s no doubt in my mind that my years as a waitress have taught me some really valuable life lessons. I have made some incredible friends at the restaurant and had the privilege of meeting some really inspiring and interesting individuals. I have learnt the value of patience and the importance of tolerance. But most importantly I have learnt the skill of independence and budgeting my very hard earned money. And while I still rely on daddy for many things, having my own money in mu purse at the end of the day is such an awesome feeling. If you are willing to put in the hours, a waitress can earn a relatively sufficient sum of money. I will admit that sometimes the hours don’t translate into the moolah but that’s just part of the game honey. Anyway my 2 years at the very special Portuguese restaurant and sport bar called Cesco’s has inspired to me convey all my experiences in blog form. SO here it goes….I present you with Jilly’s guide to mastering the art of waitressing:

Rule Number 1: You’ll very quickly learn that pretty much everyone (especially men) who are patrons at a sports bar/ pub are fluent in the language of bullshit especially after a couple of drinks. NEVER argue with a bullshitter, you will just bring yourself down to their level and let’s face it, pissing off your customers by trying to prove your intellect might just cut your tip in half. So roll with it, laugh at their corny jokes, listen to their tall stories, show interest in their grand schemes and above all give them good service and you’ll be rewarded at the end of the day. Even if it means you having to listen to them boasting about the money their new business enterprise is pulling or hearing about their finesse on the racing track.

Rule number 2: Never ever date the manager, a co-worker or anyone else remotely involved in the restaurant, especially when you are about as compatible Stephen Hawkin and Paris Hilton. Avoid interwork relationships at all costs because when the things go pear shaped and you are forced to work with that person on a daily basis afterwards, it’s not very pleasant. Also if you are an intellectual university student studying subjects like politics, history and journalism, DO NOT get involved with a restaurant manager who doesn’t have a degree or craft behind his name, doesn’t watch the news, thinks newspapers are for checking the classifieds for new car or bike deals and can only speak two languages namely: bullshit and motorbike. It’s a dead end job for dead end people. It will NEVER work out between you so don’t go there no matter how hot he is.

Rule number 3: NEVER steal food off someone’s plate. Hepatitis is REAL people and trust me I’ve seen people do weird and nasty shiz to their food.

Rule number 4: ALWAYS wash your hands…there is no place more grimy or dirty than a restaurant.

Rule number 5: If a customer insists that you to have a shot or a drink with him/her, substitute it with something non-alcoholic but similar in consistency. That way you can pocket the money, have fun with your customers and avoid getting phuza faced like them. For example, substitute patron shot with a tot of Kola Tonic, trust me, it works. And if customers get suspicious, rub the rim of the shot glass with some of the booze so that when they smell the shot it still smells like alcohol.

Rule Number 6: Never piss off the bartenders especially if you are working in a pub. People come there to drink so make sure you have the bartenders on your side.

Rule number 7: Most of us earn an hourly rate of R5 so tips really are your bread and butter so avoid the serving the following people at all costs. (I am fully aware that these are generalisations and stereotypes but I’ve had too many bad experiences with these certain groups of people not to mention them in my blog, read this blog and you'll be convinced http://www.stuckserving.com/ )

• Young people in their teens and early twenties. They run you ragged to get as many happy hour specials they can possibly consume in that one hour and then they do not tip. I don’t blame them, seeing as I am one of them but try and avoid serving them if you can, its just not worth it at the end of the day when you could be serving well-established lawyers and businessmen who can afford to give the waitress 10%, if not more. 
• Indian people (especially Indian women), they also hardly ever tip but make you run your toosh off getting them extra peri peri sauce every ten minutes. 
• Avoid middle aged women who come into the restaurant with their husbands and give you the beady eyeball when their husband orders something from you. They often don’t tip you to prove a point. (Most of the time their husbands are podgy 45 year old men nearing the end of their prime and going soft around the edges, honestly I’ll stick to my fresh meat while I can still get it lady, there’s no need for you to prove that he's your man by under-tipping me, I assure you I am really not interested in the mature block of stinky cheddar sitting next to you thank you very much. And if he has eyes for young blonde waitresses then maybe you should be spending your money on a marriage counsellor and not on that dish of prawns, just saying). 
• If you are willing to sacrifice what could potentially be quite a large tip, try and avoid single men in their 40’s as well. Sometimes a blonde waitress seems like a perfect trophy girlfriend for a lonely, single man who has most probably come out of a recent and ugly divorce and is going through a mid-life crisis. Trust me, sometimes being tolerant of these men’s attempts at flirting may give them the impression that you are keen for a sugar daddy. Show no mercy to their attempts to impress you with their shiny convertible Mercedes SLK’s and Nissan 350 Z’s. They are predators and definitely only want one thing from you and that’s when the term “good service”takes on two very different meanings if you catch my drift.

Rule number 8: Try and serve big families, birthday parties, bachelor parties, etc. Try and serve young guys in their 30’s who come in with their girlfriends and friends, they are always keen to impress their peers by proving how rich and successful they are by giving their waiter/waitress a large tip.

Rule number 9: When serving large parties or functions with other waiters, try and suss out who are the wealthiest and then look after them like they gold. Nine times out of ten they will reward with your own separate tip on the side for ‘taking such good care of them”.

Rule number 10: Make sure you befriend your fellow waiters. Working in a restaurant often involves team work and having the other waiters and waitresses on your side can often make your life a helluva lot easier especially when things get busy and you start spinning like a headless chicken on whoonga.

Rule number 11: Lastly while it is really tough work and the hours are super long and it’s extremely physically taxing at the end of a long shift, try and enjoy yourself. Make friends with the regulars (except the creepy Indian pervert who tries to give you big wet kisses and pinch your bum every so often), smile even if it’s fake and always make the best of it.

The top seven signs that you ain’t gonna get your 10% after serving THESE people:

7. They have a “Meal for 2 voucher”

6. They want takeaways from the Friday special buffet and unfortunately restaurant policies dictates no “special takeaways”. They get pissed off when you very politely tell them this.

5. They order a plate of chips…to share.

4. They ask how much EVERYTHING on the menu is.

3. They eat everything but complain about everything AFTER they have finished their meal.

2. When you ask “cheque or savings” and they say savings.

1. They wait for ‘Happy Hour’ before they order drinks.

P.S. If you really aspire to pursue a part time job as a lowly waitress join this network especially designed for us suckers who enjoy clearing dirty plates from people's tables ;P http://waiterstoday.com/

Keryn, ex waitress at Cesco's and current part time manager. The most awesome, hard core, soft hearted, biker mad, intelligent person I know and one of my very special and dear friends.